July 3rd, 2008

Today I had a hellacious day at work - our reference librarian took a (well-deserved)
vacation day, and it seemed like everyone wanted something, super
rush. There were so many people coming to my door (unusual) that I
wasn't able to go and pump for my usual 1:00 pm session, and didn't
make it to pump until 4:00! I was pretty uncomfortable by
then, and will have to make a special effort to pump on schedule and
nurse often this long weekend so I can keep up my supply. Keeping up
with Lukas's need for 4 - 4oz bottles a day is a lot harder than I
hoped it would be. I'm finding I only can pump 3 - 4 oz bottles, so I
have to keep at it in the evenings.

Because my day was so busy, I asked my sister to go and pick up
Lukas. She picked him up and said he was sitting on a mattress
surrounded by little toddlers who were enjoying the Baby! Lukas
enjoys them as well, but evidently as soon as she picked him up, the
caregiver said to them, "OK, you can jump on the bed!" So while they were
enjoying Lukas, they were probably wishing he would leave so they
could JUMP ON THE BED!

I left work (finally) at 7:00 pm (still not completing an
unbelievable number of research requests) and my sister picked me up
at the Bart station. Lukas was very happy to see me, but had to tell
me how displeased he was that he had to stay in the car seat until we
could find a parking space. After nursing him in the front seat, he
played with the various front seat toys such as the air conditioning
vent, the blinker, the keys, and all the various dash gadgets. We let
him play a while then put him back in his car seat.

We decided on Pizza for dinner, and I've been wanting to
go to Zachary's so off we went. While we waiting for our table, we
went shopping at Trader Joe's next door. I had Lukas in my sling, and
I found a cart in the parking lot. Lukas was so excited about getting
in the shopping cart seat that he started lunging out of the sling to
get in. I had to tell him to wait until we got in the store. Once in
the seat, he was so happy that he babbled joyfully, bounced around,
waved, and swung his feet and body the entire time we were shopping.
He made many friends as people had to stop and chat. Trader Joe's had
set some lemon tart pieces out for sampling, so I got one for myself.
Lukas was so interested in it that he kept trying to lean up and grab
the plate out of my hands. I decided if he wanted it that bad, he
could have a taste. Sure enough, he loved it, and happily ate the
rest of the lemon curd filling from my tiny sample. I have discovered
that there are very few things for babies to eat at Trader Joes. We
found bananas and apple sauce, and that is what Lukas had for dinner
at the pizza place. (Well, that and the lemon curd appetizer.)

Tonight we spotted the other front tooth making its way to the
surface - so 2 teeth are erupting, right on schedule!!

Lukas fell asleep in the car, but woke up for another hour, and we
all watched swimming Olympic trials on TV. Lukas fell asleep on
my sisters lap and I put him to bed.

We are so unbelievably excited about the 3 day weekend!!! Tomorrow we
go to the Alameda 4th of July parade, then head to my brother's
to celebrate my niece's 6th birthday a day early. Lukas will be 6
months old tomorrow, so a day of sixes to celebrate!

Apricots are yummy

Tonight we gave Lukas a small piece of fresh apricot in a mesh baby
feeder. He got the hang of the device right away, sucking on it
like a champ. You can see apricot juice on his shirt - I hope it
comes out! We are so new to this, we forgot we should use a bib.
Still trying to hold out on major food items until 6 months, but
Lukas is very anxious to try food, he tries to grab at plates and
is very very interested in what we are eating. I hope a little here
and there once a week is okay for his tummy.
I had to make a phone call related to the Portland Law librarians
conference (we are going up to Portland for the weekend in mid-
July) this evening, so my sister took Lukas out on the porch to
hang out. We bought him his own special chair for porch sitting,
and he likes it very well.
We got blueberries in our organic food delivery box this evening,
so made blueberry pancakes for dinner. I made a quick apricot jam
with all the apricots my friend picked up for me at the
Alameda farmers market last Thursday. Super delicious!
If there are more apricots this Thursday, I'll buy a whole bunch
and make some jam and can it for the rest of the year. I love
apricot jam and store bought never even comes close to home made.
We didn't do much tonight, just came home, made dinner, cleaned,
watched a tiny bit of TV, played a little, then off to bed for Lukas.

How has having a baby changed me so far?

Hard to tell, I'm not sure exactly.
I'm not sure I want to continue with any past romantic attachments
that weren't ever going to go anywhere.
I don't know when or if I'll care about having a man in my life again.
I notice babies and mothers and fathers and people with their babies
everywhere.
I forget for a few seconds sometimes that I have a baby - and then am
shocked with my baby's presence.
I love nursing my baby. I think it is a miracle.
I find it hard to believe that I had my baby, but I did. It was a
surreal experience. Like some kind of trial by fire religious
ceremony done under the influence of some kind of forgetting drug. A
dreamland experience.
I love buying baby clothes. I am addicted to baby clothes. I am
mourning the sizes he is already out of.
I want to have another baby, and this one is still a baby.
I think about what he will be like when he is grown, and with a
family of his own, or a life of his own.
I hope he loves me when he is older.
I check to make sure he is breathing often when he is sleeping.
I worry about how I will feel when he has his first cold. Ditto for
stomach virus and flu.
I'm terrified that I won't find good childcare for him and when I go
back to work he will be miserable.
I know I will be miserable when I go back to work, and I wonder how I
am going to do it. I wonder why I thought it was going to be do-able,
back before I had a child.
I hate that I am constantly thinking and worrying about where I can
change him and nurse him when I am out shopping.
I'm a pretty relaxed mother, but then, I haven't had to leave him for
a full day yet.

Can you tell I'm obsessing about childcare? I have my first visit at
a daycare tomorrow, and I don't even have a clue how to prepare. I
can't imagine it will be workable.

ahead of the curve

So Lukas seems to be functioning like a 5 month old in many respects, standing strong, bouncing, walking, etc. on two legs (supported), starting to try to crawl, etc., and he's been doing the standing and bouncing since he was 2 1/2 months old or so, maybe sooner. Not sure if that means anything, but it is striking. He plays with toys now, can manipulate his hands pretty well, and now grabs onto things. (The hand manipulation is just in the last few days, but it is still pretty precocious.) I'm not sure that any of the developmental things will play out in any significant way, but perhaps he'll always be super well coordinated & have a strong body.
I have been blessed with a Happy, healthy joy of a boy, and I'm so lucky.
Today I spent the day calling around to daycares, and I am determined to find one that would suit him. Perhaps I'll chuck the daycare situations and look for a nanny share if one turns up. It is pretty scary, not sure what I'll find.
I'm pretty exhausted, stayed up way too late reading an Elisabeth Moon SciFi book last night. I wanted to finish it so I could focus on the day care search, but I was so tired today, I'm not sure it was worth it.

a day for sleeping (and a couch purchased)

Today Lukas slept and slept and slept. I guess to make up for the past few days when he was awake pretty much most of the day. I think he is going through a growing phase or perhaps fighting off something - he went to sleep at 11:30 tonight, which is turning into his standard bedtime.

We went to Ikea, where one of life's weird serendipities caught me by surprise. Steph and I sat next to a woman who was with her husband and daughter. We ate our Swedish meatballs and the woman next to us admired Lukas (who was his usual alert and charming self by this time.) At some point, she mentioned that she was a doula. Steph went off to change Lukas and the woman kept talking to me. Her family finished their lunch, and as she was leaving, I asked her what her name was. She said "Stacia" - I couldn't believe it, she was the doula whose name was sitting at my desk at work for weeks while I debated about calling her. My midwife friend gave me her name because she thought she would be a good match for my personality and make up for some of the deficits I was beginning to feel with my midwife.

I told Stacia that and how unbelievable it was to meet her. She asked me who I worked with for my birth and I hemmed and hawed a bit but finally told her. She said that she had worked with my midwife and thought perhaps she was deaf. I looked surprised and she said, "because I was really in sync with a woman [who had that midwife and was in labor] and the midwife would suggest something so out of tune, that I figured she was deaf or incredibly insensitive." It made me sad, because I know she is not deaf, it certainly seemed like insensitivity to me based on my experience with her. Life is strange. I wonder how things would have been with my birth if I had called her.

Ah well, sometime I will write my birth story here.


Lukas wanted very badly to do some typing:

f fb nmgybctf vbtb [

Genius!

After Ikea we went to the Lazy Boy store to look for a nursing chair because the one I have (which was given to me) digs in to my legs and hurts my tailbone. We found a great chair (that reclines, but doesn't rock - I hope that will be okay) and ordered a new sofa too! I sure hope we like it as much at home as we did in the store. It should be here in about 2 months - just about the time I go back to work from maternity leave.

This maternity leave time is flowing away, each day is unbelievably precious, and going fast. The days themselves have a long drawn out quality because of the nursing, watching tv, playing with Lukas, then changing diapers, then nursing again. Not very exciting, but I am treasuring each moment. I wish there were some way I could stay home with him until he turns one. I dread the day I have to go back to work - but I must get the benefits and pay the mortgage.

He's sound asleep beside me here on the bed, and I need to get off to sleep myself, or tomorrow won't be much fun.

Out and About

Today we met a friend at Bart and drove to Picante for brunch. Had the best breakfast, not sure what is was called, but it was fabulous - a bunch of chips dipped in a green sauce with a little fresh cheese, sour cream, and scrambled eggs. I added the ingredients from a small taco with chorizo and potatoes. Incredible. Of course this meal was eaten one-handed with Lukas in a sling. The meal was slightly cool because of the diaper disaster I discovered when we lifted him out of his car seat. Somehow in the excitement to get to Bart, we forgot to change his diaper before we left home. Whoops. The fuzzi bunz were not up to the challenge.

We all came home and sat around a talked, and then back to Bart to drop off K.

Steph, Lukas and I headed out to sushi for dinner tonight- pretty yummy day all in all.

Today Lukas kept heading towards the floor from my lap (I was holding him firmly) and once down on the ground, wanted to 'walk' to the edge of the table to study the wood grain. (He loves wood grain) He took a few steps, right foot forward then left foot, etc. while firmly held under the armpits. K. witnessed so I know I wasn't imagining the whole thing. We called in Steph and he recreated this feat. He is only 8 weeks old. We are not childproofed! Okay, so I know this is impossibly early, so it was probably just a fluke, right?

He's down early tonight - at 11:00 pm, not sure if he is down for the night, but I can't stay up too late in case this is my main chance to get some sleep.
Off to bed!

2 Months

Lukas is 2 months old!!
We are having a blast, he's the greatest baby ever.
Okay, I'll try to keep posting because this may be my only reliable archive, and this time is flying by - as I expected...

Lukas is now:

• Babbling, squealing, laughing, squeeking.
• Smiling at anyone who will smile at him.
• Sleeping in the sling like a pro.
• Nursing in the sling like a pro. (It was the nursing that won him over on the sling concept. When good things happen in a suspect place, it is probably OK.)
• Batting at things hanging above him.
• Enjoying his Bjorn bouncy chair - and sleeping in it!
• Taking milk from a bottle (thanks to Aunt Steph)
• Kicking his legs around - especially when someone is trying to put a diaper on.
• Cooperating when he is getting dressed, though brilliant baby that he is, he did that from the start.

Things I LOVE about this ride:

• The sound of Lukas telling me all about his trauma of having had to wait to nurse after he has settled in and started nursing.
• His smile and dimples.
• The fact that Lukas loves watching everything, and has since day one.
• Folding his clothes, and enjoying the adorableness of it all.
• His good humor at the diaper changing table.
• Waking up and having a baby beside me.
• Holding a warm bundle against me as he sleeps.
• Treasuring every moment, even the late night when is he ever going to sleep moments.
• Knowing that each day something new will happen.
• Talking with people about the baby - this will pass and he will become just another kid, but for now, he's popular!
• Sharing this miracle with friends and family
• Being a mom, though I still can't quite believe that I am a MOM.

Okay, baby is fussing, wants to be fed, signing off for now.....