I'm not sure I want to continue with any past romantic attachments
that weren't ever going to go anywhere.
I don't know when or if I'll care about having a man in my life again.
I notice babies and mothers and fathers and people with their babies
everywhere.
I forget for a few seconds sometimes that I have a baby - and then am
shocked with my baby's presence.
I love nursing my baby. I think it is a miracle.
I find it hard to believe that I had my baby, but I did. It was a
surreal experience. Like some kind of trial by fire religious
ceremony done under the influence of some kind of forgetting drug. A
dreamland experience.
I love buying baby clothes. I am addicted to baby clothes. I am
mourning the sizes he is already out of.
I want to have another baby, and this one is still a baby.
I think about what he will be like when he is grown, and with a
family of his own, or a life of his own.
I hope he loves me when he is older.
I check to make sure he is breathing often when he is sleeping.
I worry about how I will feel when he has his first cold. Ditto for
stomach virus and flu.
I'm terrified that I won't find good childcare for him and when I go
back to work he will be miserable.
I know I will be miserable when I go back to work, and I wonder how I
am going to do it. I wonder why I thought it was going to be do-able,
back before I had a child.
I hate that I am constantly thinking and worrying about where I can
change him and nurse him when I am out shopping.
I'm a pretty relaxed mother, but then, I haven't had to leave him for
a full day yet.
Can you tell I'm obsessing about childcare? I have my first visit at
a daycare tomorrow, and I don't even have a clue how to prepare. I
can't imagine it will be workable.
