How has having a baby changed me so far?

Hard to tell, I'm not sure exactly.
I'm not sure I want to continue with any past romantic attachments
that weren't ever going to go anywhere.
I don't know when or if I'll care about having a man in my life again.
I notice babies and mothers and fathers and people with their babies
everywhere.
I forget for a few seconds sometimes that I have a baby - and then am
shocked with my baby's presence.
I love nursing my baby. I think it is a miracle.
I find it hard to believe that I had my baby, but I did. It was a
surreal experience. Like some kind of trial by fire religious
ceremony done under the influence of some kind of forgetting drug. A
dreamland experience.
I love buying baby clothes. I am addicted to baby clothes. I am
mourning the sizes he is already out of.
I want to have another baby, and this one is still a baby.
I think about what he will be like when he is grown, and with a
family of his own, or a life of his own.
I hope he loves me when he is older.
I check to make sure he is breathing often when he is sleeping.
I worry about how I will feel when he has his first cold. Ditto for
stomach virus and flu.
I'm terrified that I won't find good childcare for him and when I go
back to work he will be miserable.
I know I will be miserable when I go back to work, and I wonder how I
am going to do it. I wonder why I thought it was going to be do-able,
back before I had a child.
I hate that I am constantly thinking and worrying about where I can
change him and nurse him when I am out shopping.
I'm a pretty relaxed mother, but then, I haven't had to leave him for
a full day yet.

Can you tell I'm obsessing about childcare? I have my first visit at
a daycare tomorrow, and I don't even have a clue how to prepare. I
can't imagine it will be workable.

ahead of the curve

So Lukas seems to be functioning like a 5 month old in many respects, standing strong, bouncing, walking, etc. on two legs (supported), starting to try to crawl, etc., and he's been doing the standing and bouncing since he was 2 1/2 months old or so, maybe sooner. Not sure if that means anything, but it is striking. He plays with toys now, can manipulate his hands pretty well, and now grabs onto things. (The hand manipulation is just in the last few days, but it is still pretty precocious.) I'm not sure that any of the developmental things will play out in any significant way, but perhaps he'll always be super well coordinated & have a strong body.
I have been blessed with a Happy, healthy joy of a boy, and I'm so lucky.
Today I spent the day calling around to daycares, and I am determined to find one that would suit him. Perhaps I'll chuck the daycare situations and look for a nanny share if one turns up. It is pretty scary, not sure what I'll find.
I'm pretty exhausted, stayed up way too late reading an Elisabeth Moon SciFi book last night. I wanted to finish it so I could focus on the day care search, but I was so tired today, I'm not sure it was worth it.

a day for sleeping (and a couch purchased)

Today Lukas slept and slept and slept. I guess to make up for the past few days when he was awake pretty much most of the day. I think he is going through a growing phase or perhaps fighting off something - he went to sleep at 11:30 tonight, which is turning into his standard bedtime.

We went to Ikea, where one of life's weird serendipities caught me by surprise. Steph and I sat next to a woman who was with her husband and daughter. We ate our Swedish meatballs and the woman next to us admired Lukas (who was his usual alert and charming self by this time.) At some point, she mentioned that she was a doula. Steph went off to change Lukas and the woman kept talking to me. Her family finished their lunch, and as she was leaving, I asked her what her name was. She said "Stacia" - I couldn't believe it, she was the doula whose name was sitting at my desk at work for weeks while I debated about calling her. My midwife friend gave me her name because she thought she would be a good match for my personality and make up for some of the deficits I was beginning to feel with my midwife.

I told Stacia that and how unbelievable it was to meet her. She asked me who I worked with for my birth and I hemmed and hawed a bit but finally told her. She said that she had worked with my midwife and thought perhaps she was deaf. I looked surprised and she said, "because I was really in sync with a woman [who had that midwife and was in labor] and the midwife would suggest something so out of tune, that I figured she was deaf or incredibly insensitive." It made me sad, because I know she is not deaf, it certainly seemed like insensitivity to me based on my experience with her. Life is strange. I wonder how things would have been with my birth if I had called her.

Ah well, sometime I will write my birth story here.


Lukas wanted very badly to do some typing:

f fb nmgybctf vbtb [

Genius!

After Ikea we went to the Lazy Boy store to look for a nursing chair because the one I have (which was given to me) digs in to my legs and hurts my tailbone. We found a great chair (that reclines, but doesn't rock - I hope that will be okay) and ordered a new sofa too! I sure hope we like it as much at home as we did in the store. It should be here in about 2 months - just about the time I go back to work from maternity leave.

This maternity leave time is flowing away, each day is unbelievably precious, and going fast. The days themselves have a long drawn out quality because of the nursing, watching tv, playing with Lukas, then changing diapers, then nursing again. Not very exciting, but I am treasuring each moment. I wish there were some way I could stay home with him until he turns one. I dread the day I have to go back to work - but I must get the benefits and pay the mortgage.

He's sound asleep beside me here on the bed, and I need to get off to sleep myself, or tomorrow won't be much fun.