Apricots are yummy

Tonight we gave Lukas a small piece of fresh apricot in a mesh baby
feeder. He got the hang of the device right away, sucking on it
like a champ. You can see apricot juice on his shirt - I hope it
comes out! We are so new to this, we forgot we should use a bib.
Still trying to hold out on major food items until 6 months, but
Lukas is very anxious to try food, he tries to grab at plates and
is very very interested in what we are eating. I hope a little here
and there once a week is okay for his tummy.
I had to make a phone call related to the Portland Law librarians
conference (we are going up to Portland for the weekend in mid-
July) this evening, so my sister took Lukas out on the porch to
hang out. We bought him his own special chair for porch sitting,
and he likes it very well.
We got blueberries in our organic food delivery box this evening,
so made blueberry pancakes for dinner. I made a quick apricot jam
with all the apricots my friend picked up for me at the
Alameda farmers market last Thursday. Super delicious!
If there are more apricots this Thursday, I'll buy a whole bunch
and make some jam and can it for the rest of the year. I love
apricot jam and store bought never even comes close to home made.
We didn't do much tonight, just came home, made dinner, cleaned,
watched a tiny bit of TV, played a little, then off to bed for Lukas.

How has having a baby changed me so far?

Hard to tell, I'm not sure exactly.
I'm not sure I want to continue with any past romantic attachments
that weren't ever going to go anywhere.
I don't know when or if I'll care about having a man in my life again.
I notice babies and mothers and fathers and people with their babies
everywhere.
I forget for a few seconds sometimes that I have a baby - and then am
shocked with my baby's presence.
I love nursing my baby. I think it is a miracle.
I find it hard to believe that I had my baby, but I did. It was a
surreal experience. Like some kind of trial by fire religious
ceremony done under the influence of some kind of forgetting drug. A
dreamland experience.
I love buying baby clothes. I am addicted to baby clothes. I am
mourning the sizes he is already out of.
I want to have another baby, and this one is still a baby.
I think about what he will be like when he is grown, and with a
family of his own, or a life of his own.
I hope he loves me when he is older.
I check to make sure he is breathing often when he is sleeping.
I worry about how I will feel when he has his first cold. Ditto for
stomach virus and flu.
I'm terrified that I won't find good childcare for him and when I go
back to work he will be miserable.
I know I will be miserable when I go back to work, and I wonder how I
am going to do it. I wonder why I thought it was going to be do-able,
back before I had a child.
I hate that I am constantly thinking and worrying about where I can
change him and nurse him when I am out shopping.
I'm a pretty relaxed mother, but then, I haven't had to leave him for
a full day yet.

Can you tell I'm obsessing about childcare? I have my first visit at
a daycare tomorrow, and I don't even have a clue how to prepare. I
can't imagine it will be workable.

ahead of the curve

So Lukas seems to be functioning like a 5 month old in many respects, standing strong, bouncing, walking, etc. on two legs (supported), starting to try to crawl, etc., and he's been doing the standing and bouncing since he was 2 1/2 months old or so, maybe sooner. Not sure if that means anything, but it is striking. He plays with toys now, can manipulate his hands pretty well, and now grabs onto things. (The hand manipulation is just in the last few days, but it is still pretty precocious.) I'm not sure that any of the developmental things will play out in any significant way, but perhaps he'll always be super well coordinated & have a strong body.
I have been blessed with a Happy, healthy joy of a boy, and I'm so lucky.
Today I spent the day calling around to daycares, and I am determined to find one that would suit him. Perhaps I'll chuck the daycare situations and look for a nanny share if one turns up. It is pretty scary, not sure what I'll find.
I'm pretty exhausted, stayed up way too late reading an Elisabeth Moon SciFi book last night. I wanted to finish it so I could focus on the day care search, but I was so tired today, I'm not sure it was worth it.